Being a dad today comes with no shortage of advice.
One day you read that your kid needs more independent play, and the next you’re told that NOT playing with them at the park makes you a lazy dad.
You hear screen time will destroy their ability to concentrate, but then wonder how other parents manage long trips without it.
You try to make space for downtime, but feel like your kid is falling behind because they aren't enrolled in 3 extracurriculars.
A book that helped me reframe some of these expectations is Hunt, Gather, Parent, which shows just how different (and effective) parenting looks around the world.
And even as I write this, these are still things I catch myself feeling guilty about. So if I’m feeling it, I figure other dads probably are too. This newsletter is as much a reminder for me as it an an encouragement for you.
Here are 3 things you can stop feeling guilty about.
1. Not playing with them whenever they want
At home
I hear this one a lot from other dads.
You're working and they come into your office (or bang ruthlessly on the door until you open it) and want you to play with them.
You think 'Man, if I were as good of a dad as Bandit, I'd be all over this opportunity.'
But you've got work to do. And if you accepted every invitation to play, you'd never get anything done.
Here's what I've told my young daughter:
What game do you want to play? Ok, I need to finish my work right now but I'm going to take a break at 11:30am. Let's play then ok? But if you keep coming in, that's going to slow me down and I won't be able to be done by 11:30am.
At the park
If you want to run around and play tag, awesome.
But if you just want to sit on a bench, sip your coffee, and call a friend while your kids play, do that!
Giving them that space helps them build independence.
'But Daddy, I want to play with you! I don't have anyone to play with 😭!'
Gently and consistently let them know, “I’m going to just sit here today, but you can go play.”
It gives them a healthy chance to explore and self-direct.
2. Screen time
Screen time isn’t a replacement for play, reading, or human connection.
But the fact that your kid watches TV or has an iPad isn’t something to beat yourself up over.
What’s helped us is setting clear boundaries: when they can watch, what they can watch, and how long they can watch.
In our house, our kids watch TV while we prep dinner. When dinner is ready, the TV gets turned off. If they throw a fit when the TV gets turned off, they aren't allowed to watch the next day.
On sick days and plane rides, they're able to watch more.
And if they continue to ask to be on a screen even though you've already told them when they'll be able to, just say:
'You can watch Mickey while I'm making dinner later...but if you keep asking then you won't be able to watch it then either.'
You don't have to choose between zero screens and screens-whenever-they-want. Build structure around it and stop feeling guilty about it.
Shoutout to my fellow millennials who had the TV on literally all day by default 🙃.
3. Not doing ALL the activities
Soccer. Piano. Gymnastics. T-ball. Coding camp.
It can feel like every other kid is booked every day of the week.
But busy ≠ better.
Giving your kids downtime (and boredom) is valuable. It helps them learn to be creative and feel ok being alone with their thoughts.
And it keeps you from blowing up your calendar.
You don't need to fill the time to keep them 'engaged.'
You're doing fine
Guilt thrives when we compare ourselves to an imaginary perfect parent who doesn’t exist (even though social media would lead you to believe otherwise).
But the reality is if you’re thinking this deeply about being a good dad (and you're subscribed to a newsletter on how to be a better dad), you’re already doing a great job.
So let some of that pressure fall away.
Keep showing up, being intentionally, and choosing what works for your family.
Recommendation of the week
This is the book I mentioned in the intro. My biggest takeaway was how it broke down helicopter vs. free range vs. team parenting.
We typically just think of helicopter parenting vs free range parenting but both of those are focused on child-centered activities — activities that are really just for the child. The helicopter parent decides which activities those are while a free range parent lets the child decide.
But team parenting is more family-centered activities — activities that the parent would normally do that they invite the children along with.
Think running errands, repairing the fence, going on a walk...vs taking the kids to a children's museum to keep them entertained.
What about you?
What’s one thing you find yourself feeling guilty about as a dad?
Email me at thom@wfhdads.com and let me know. I read and respond to all of them.
Thanks again for being a part of this community!
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Thom Gibson
Founder of WFH Dads
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