👋 Hey Reader!

Here’s what I’ve got for you in today’s issue of WFH Dads:

→ How making friends as a dad at 39 feels like dating

→ Recommendation of the week - The Bullbar pull-up / dip station

Let's get into it.

Making friends as a dad at 39 feels like dating

I was rolling jiu jitsu with a guy that came to the same class as me. Similar build and height and we were relatively same skill level; he won some, I won some. His name was Ben.

Somehow we got to talking about Radiohead and guitar while we were trying to strangle one another. Turns out he studied guitar in college (as did I) and posted some of his music on Instagram. So I asked him what his Instagram was so I could check it out.

I didn't have my phone or anything to write with when he told me (you don't carry such things when fighting) but I figured I could easily remember it. I couldn't. I tried searching a bunch of variations of what I thought it was to no avail.

Then I went to our jiu jitsu gym's Instagram account to see if I could find him in the follower list but there were 60k followers on the list. I even filtered followers with the name 'Ben' in them. Eventually found him and followed him (after feeling like a cyber stalker).

We kept rolling and chatting music when we saw each other in class.

One week, I thought it'd be fun to get coffee with him. But I did wonder if it'd be weird to ask that. I mean, should I just mention that I'm happily married so he doesn't think I'm hitting on him? Maybe I could just throw it out there casually like 'hey let me know if you ever want to get coffee and chat guitar and music.' I thought it'd be easiest to ask in person so I just waited until I saw him at class.

But I didn't see him in class for over a week. And I didn't have his phone number, so I figured I could just DM him:

Didn't end up hearing anything back for a few days. Then saw him at class, where he said 'hey I saw your message, yes, lets get coffee!' He ended up following up to the DM.

So we got coffee. And it was great! We chatted about guitar, jiu jitsu, kids, our upbringing, and faith. Really easy to hang out with him.

We continued to see each other at jiu jitsu and a month later, I went over to his place to check out his guitar pedal rig and jam out.

I recently realized it has been quite some time since we hung out outside of class, so texted him about going on a run. He replied and apologized for not reaching out himself. He shared how he really hasn't reached out to anyone in the last few months, just working, taking care of his kids, and going to jiu jitsu class.

We rolled in class yesterday and we are going to go for a run together next week.

The takeaway

Be in the shared spaces:

In order to make friends, you have to be in spaces where you will encounter other dads. For me, that's jiu jitsu, church, and my neighborhood. For you, it might be the gym, board game meetups, or your kids' soccer practice.

Depending on your season of life, the time you spend in these spaces may be the only capacity you have to hang out. That's OK.

You have to initiate:

If you want to spend time with other dads beyond those events, you will likely need to be the one to initiate; other dads ARE interested in hanging out, but they're just trying to get through the day themselves and aren't initiating with ANYONE.

Someone's got to be the one to break that cycle. That someone can be you. Ask for their phone number and say 'let's grab a beer sometime.'

It doesn't have to be drinks:

Sitting and chatting about your life over coffee or beer may not be your jam. So DO something instead. Invite a guy over to help out with a home project, or to a game, or to go fishing with you.

Don't assume they aren't interested:

Just because you don't get an immediate reply doesn't mean they aren't interested! I've been guilty of this myself; I get a text, I have the intention to respond, and I just forget.

Send a follow up in a week or two if you don't hear back: 'Hey wanted to follow up to see if you'd still be up to hang out. No worries if now isn't a good time, I know life gets busy!'

Hanging out every few months is better than nothing:

Ideally you see friends weekly (I see friends from church pretty often) but having guys you see once every few months is still better than having no network of guys at all.

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If you're thinking to yourself 'this seems like a lot of work,' it is. But you were not meant to live in isolation. Not to mention, chronic loneliness raises the risk of heart disease, stroke, and cognitive decline.

Working from home amplifies all of this since you don't even see colleagues on a daily basis, as seen in some of the many replies to this thread I posted.​

You were meant to have friends and a community. Online connection with others is great, but it doesn't replace being with other men in real life.

You owe it to yourself and your family to try and build those relationships.

Recommendation of the week

​Bullbar pull up / dip station​

I recently got this pull up bar and dip station because my wife wanted to do pull ups but the bar I've anchored in the ceiling of our garage is too high for her. And I love dips but have never had a dip station.

The Bullbar was the solution to both! She can access the bar a lot easier and I'm now doing the dips. It's also portable but I just keep it assembled in my garage. It can be a little wobbly when doing pull ups or dips but not in a way that feels unsafe (you can see how much it wobbles in this 3-min review).

Bullbar sells a standard height version as well as one where you can adjust the height of the bar. If I didn't already have a bar anchored in my garage ceiling (which I invited a neighbor dad to help me install 😉), I would have gotten the extendable one.

What about you?

Do you have other dads in your dads that you'd consider friends that you see with any regularity?

Thom Gibson Founder of WFH Dads ​​​

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600 1st Ave, Ste 330 PMB 92768, Seattle, WA 98104-2246
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