How to raise resilient kids (without lectures)

Big moment for me recently—I got promoted to blue belt in jiu-jitsu.

Typically, folks go from white to blue in about two years.

Me?

It took seven.

Talk about a flex. 💪

When I started jiu-jitsu at 30, it was something I’d always wanted to do. I’d been picked on as a kid, and I wanted to know I could defend myself.

But it didn’t come easily.

The moves I learned in class rarely worked when I tried them on a resisting opponent.

And when I tried to use the same defenses, guys would blow right past them.

I even competed within my first 2 years of starting.

I lost all three matches.

I watched people who started jiu-jitsu years after me get promoted to blue belts, then to purple belts.

All while I stayed a white belt.

I wondered:

Why is this so hard for me?
Why am I so bad at this?

I could’ve decided jiu-jitsu wasn’t for me.

But I loved the art, and I wanted to know I could defend myself.

Most importantly, I didn’t want to quit just because it was hard.

So I kept showing up—day after day, year after year.

When I finally got my blue belt, it wasn’t just a belt to me.

It was proof that resilience pays off.

The parenting moment

A few weeks later, my 4-year old daughter had a meltdown over a lowercase “s” she was trying to practice.

She was so upset that it wasn’t perfect.

My wife and I exchanged a look.

What do we say here?

We could’ve said: “Oh, it’s fine! Don’t worry about it!”

Or tried to convince her that the “s” was actually pretty good (it was).

Instead, I thought about my blue belt.

I said:

Yeah, I get that. I feel the same way with jiu-jitsu sometimes. It’s frustrating when something doesn’t come out the way you want it to. You’ll get better.

No lecture.

Just a simple connection.

The lesson

Here’s what I’ve learned about teaching resilience:

Model it
My blue belt wasn’t just for me—it was for my kids to see what persistence looks like. They need to know it’s okay to struggle.
Empathize.
Instead of fixing or minimizing their struggles, acknowledge them. “Yeah, that’s hard” can go a long way.
Encourage effort, not perfection.
Remind them that getting better takes time and practice, and that’s okay.

Kids don’t need lectures to learn resilience—they need examples.

They need to see us struggle, push through, and keep showing up.

It doesn't have to be jiu jitsu, but as an aside, I think jiu jitsu is perfect for most WFH dads -

it's hard
you get a workout
it gets you out of the house
it gets you physically connected with people
it's the perfect opportunity to model resilience

Whether it’s a lowercase “s” or a seven-year journey to a blue belt, it’s the process, not the perfection, that teaches them to persevere.

Resilience is built by embracing the struggle and seeing yourself come out on the other side.

Here’s to finding resilience within ourselves, so our kids can find it in themselves.

What I'm watching:

The Chosen

The Chosen is a TV series on the life of Jesus. Growing up Christian, I’ve seen a lot of really poorly made Jesus movies. The Chosen is not that. It’s so well done. The acting, the music, the storytelling…all so good. It’s really a beautiful way to experience these stories that I’ve read for years. Brings them to life. Humanizes them. I find myself crying at every miracle Jesus does.

Not watching it with the kids yet but excited to as they get older.

Even if you aren’t a Christian, I highly recommend it.

It’s free to watch on: